Hello❤️ Hi ❤️

Gosh, not gonna lie, it feels a bit strange, a tad bit foreign to be sitting here in this online blog space.

The last article I published was over a year ago!!

Crazy- I know!

For those of you who are new here and don’t follow my social media channels, I launched my very own Podcast last June of 2025 (almost one full year-yikes where has the time gone!?): The Story Hour Podcast: Voices Unscripted | Stories Re-Written and I put in an incredible amount of love, energy and work into the launch and progress of the show.

Hence, why the art of writing in the form of blogging took a little ( a lot) of a backseat.

The thing is, I am a multi-passionate individual who finds fulfillment in allowing myself to express my creativity in various ways, not just being forced to choose one.

I love both creative writing and speaking, and while my intention was to continue with more consistent blog posts, I underestimated how much work running a podcast would actually be.

I mean, I knew it would be a lot of work, but it wasn’t until I was literally in it, that I realized how much of my time and energy (and vision-sighhh😪) it truly needed.

Anyway, I have so much more to share around the podcast and where I’m at, but the reason I came here today was to share with you what’s been weighing on my heart.

And also to take you behind the scenes of some very normal and common challenges when it comes to living with grief.

I have talked about this topic for several years now, on and off, and I did just speak to it in my most recent podcast episode, Ep 14: Reviving The Spark: Life, Loss & Adventure but I felt compelled to share my words in the form of writing as well.

I don’t even know what’s going to come through as it is such a heavy, prevalent conversation, but I’m just going to roll with it, and see where my heart takes me (and you😊)

Let’s jump in…

I am nearly entering my 4th decade of life and I am deeply saddened and grief stricken that I am not where I want to be in life.

Where I envisioned myself to be.

The life that I so desperately dream & pray about.

Every. Single. Day

As I have shared many times before, grief isn’t just what’s lost in the past or present moment.

There is still an immense amount of grief around the future.

🙏 Life Partner

🙏 Husband

🙏 Wife

🙏 Marriage

🙏 Romance/Intimacy

🙏 Companionship

🙏 Family

🙏 Motherhood

🙏 Biological Children & Experiencing Pregnancy. Creating & Bringing LIFE into this world.

Longing, yearning and aching for all of the above, and honestly someone that is there to just do life with me, to love me, to take care of me, and to provide for me.

Mentally. Emotionally. Physically. Financially.
(Yes, I have no shame in wanting my man to financially take care of me, while I get the privilege to share, build, create, and be of service in my own ways. More on this another time.)

Like all the things.

I truly do not believe that any of us are meant to do life alone.

Period. Full stop.

That’s my outlook, perspective, and worldview.

WE ARE HARD WIRED FOR CONNECTION!

Whether you believe it or not, or want to admit it, it’s the truth.

I’m always so curious when I hear others say they are perfectly fine alone and don’t need connection.

If you actually sit with someone and unpack all of the layers, I can almost guarantee you that there is an immense amount of pain, trauma, grief, avoidance, hyper-independence, lack of safety/security, etc. The list goes on.

I’m not here to get into that today. It’s not right or wrong, it just is, and I do believe there is so much more to it than what meets the eye.

I have changed so much as a person, as a human being, as a member of society in these last 8 years, and I am truly so thankful and beyond grateful for where I am in my life.

And No -it’s not just me throwing out buzzwords or speaking to gratitude in a fluffy way.

I live, eat, breathe, and sleep gratitude with every ounce of my being.

You see, this is the thing. This is what grief will do to you.

And I think it’s one of the most beautiful, profound, transformative layers of living with grief.

It forces you to slow down, practice presence, and really get to know yourself and what truly matters to you in this world.

We cannot change our circumstances. There are so many things out of our control, and that sucks. Trust me- I get it. If I had a magic wand, I would change that. But I/we can’t.

I have said this for many years now: that my vision loss was my biggest trauma and my greatest blessing…

I still, to this day coming up on 14 years since my diagnosis, find truth in those words.

Especially these last 8 years, when my life literally turned on its axis and I was forced to heal and find myself through my chronic illness.

This goes far beyond just vision loss.

I was filled with so much self-doubt, insecurity, lack of confidence, zero self-trust, no self-love, afraid to speak up, the list goes on and on.

I was so good at constantly comparing myself to others AND having people compare me to others as well.

And No- not in a good way.

Someone literally said to my face one time that my sister was more pretty than me 🫨

She also got married before me (the eldest is “supposed to get married first”), and you can only imagine what the comments were like during her wedding.

I love my culture and its rich beauty in so many ways, but holy smokes, the South Asian community is so twisted and backwards.

I struggled a lot, to be honest.

All this to say is that I have done so much work on myself over these last 8 years, and I’ve pulled back the layers of my life and continue to heal a lot of those insecurities.

I, like most of you, believed that happiness came from the outside.

If someone just loved me, then everything would be okay.

If I had a partner, then all my worries would be taken away.

The truth is: none of that is true.

True happiness is found from within.

If we are constantly looking outside of ourselves to feel loved, valued, and cared for, but we don’t feel that way about ourselves, we will never be truly fulfilled.

This is where the whole concept and idea of self-love comes into play.

If we can’t love ourselves, how do we expect someone else to?

Truly. Think about that.

It took me a really long time, and a lot of therapy, to figure that out.

A partner should be adding value to your life, not becoming your only source of fulfillment.

I share all this in the sense of where I was before and where I am now.

And to provide understanding and context to this complex topic of singlehood.

More importantly, to really speak to the nuances of grief.

On one hand, I am so deeply grateful for my life and for everything that had to happen to get to where I am.

AND on the other, I have this immense grief + sadness for a future that is not yet here.

I will be turning 40 next May, and that is, not going to lie, a little terrifying.

I’m not so hell-bent on my age, but at the same time, I kinda am.

I worry about my future.

I’m afraid of dying alone.

I crave love & connection so deeply that it sometimes (a lot of times) hurts.

In more recent years, I have this INTENSE fear of losing my parents. I also talked about this on Ep. 14 of The Story Hour Podcast, but my mom, dad, and I are a unit.

My siblings are both married with their own families, and it’s just me, my mom, and my dad.

Yes, I have my own life, my own home outside of my parents, but I’m speaking on a deeper level.

And not only is it that I am getting older, but as I see my parents age, it breaks my heart to know that one day they too are going to leave this world, and I would be left completely alone.

That’s a really fuckin hard pill to swallow 😭

Of course, I have my siblings, and I love them deeply, and they are always watching out for me, but it’s not the same.

A mom is a mom.

A dad is a dad.

There is nothing that can compare to that.

Or even comes close.

❤️ The way they call just to say hi and check in.

❤️ The meaningful gestures such as knowing my favorite foods and calling me to come over to have lunch/dinner with them.

❤️ The way my mom can just sense that I’ve been crying without me even speaking a single word. Mom’s know everything. We are telepathically/soulfully connected. I feel it deep in my bones.

❤️ The way they carry my pain + grief as if it’s their own. And in a lot of ways, it is. I mean, after all, I am an extension of them.

❤️ The way they show up and provide financially when times are tough. (yes, also have no shame in this. This is a bigger conversation. More on it another time)

The list goes on.

There’s a part of me that cannot, even for a second, fathom that God would create me to do life alone. Like, there’s just no way. For the person I am and the things I value and cherish in life, I don’t believe that I’ll be single for the rest of my life.

But in that same breath, I question myself.

I fall back into those insecurities, the low self-esteem, the “am I unlovable?” (even though I know it’s not true, when I am in moments of despair, those old thought patterns and belief systems start to creep back in).

I question God.

Is it ever going to happen!?

I get it. Everyone’s timing is different, and I really want to emphasize that this isn’t about comparing myself to the rest of the world or wanting this so badly because everyone else has it.

Or that I’m feeling pressure from anyone outside of me.

This is something that I have always wanted and longed for. The pressure is really coming from myself.

You know when you want something so bad it hurts?

Yeah. This is how I wholeheartedly feel.

You hear all the time, people with their toxic positivity: “it will happen when you least expect it”, “the grass isn’t always greener on the other side”, “stop searching for it”, etc.

But like, I’m really starting to lose my patience, and I honestly don’t know how much more my heart can handle 💔

I have tried the “letting go, stop searching for it” energy, and it still hasn’t happened.

On the flip side, I’ve also put in a lot of time, energy, and work into trying to find someone.

And yes, it is work being single and dating. It really feels like a full-time job. Truthfully.

And guess what- that’s exhausting. Exhausting AF!

How sad is it that finding love feels like work? Why does it come so easily to some, but excruciatingly painful for others?

If woman are born to create and birth life into this world, why does it feel so far out of reach?

I just don’t get it.

Ironically, it’s the night before Mother’s Day as I sit here sharing my vulnerability + heart with you all.

Who would have guessed!?

I am going to close this off by saying that I hope, through my words and storytelling, you are able to see that it is 100% possible to live in the both/and of life.

You can love life and have this insatiable hunger and thirst to chase your dreams and create the most magnificent life, AND you can grieve what you’ve lost : past, present, and future.

It’s not one or the other.

I’ve come to accept that I am both happy & sad.

Some seasons of life, I am more happy than sad.

I laugh more than I cry.

And then other seasons of life, it’s the opposite. Or equal.

Life is meant to ebb & flow. We are supposed to ride the waves, and I believe a big lesson is learning how to live in the duality of opposing experiences and emotions.

To be able to ride the high highs and also be okay with the low lows.

Living & Grieving is done simultaneously.

There is a song that I came across several years ago called “Someday” by Madison Watkins, and it hits so close to home.

My version of it:

Someday, I will find my soulmate.
Someday, I will fall in love.
Someday, love will find me too.
Someday, I will be a Bride.
Someday, I will walk down the aisle.
Someday, I will be a Wife.
Someday, I will be a Mom.
Someday, I will have a forever of my own.
Someday, I will have my prayers answered.
Someday, I will get my happily-ever-after.

If you have made it this far, I thank you for being here and taking in my words. If you are also navigating singlehood, just know that you are not alone. It’s actually a lot more common than you may think.

Sending love to all❤️

PS- Just remember that this is aspects of a story. There are so many more nuances and layers to everything I have shared. If you know me, or have been following my journey from the beginning, you know that I am not here looking for pity or attention or any of that nonsense.

I have always been raw, real, and my most authentic self, and I pride myself in that. I share my heart + vulnerability with you because I know how isolating and lonely it can be to carry the weight of your entire life on your own.

I am here to normalize the challenges that we all face and to bring us together to build community through our shared experiences.

PPS- If you didn’t catch the drift 😅, Yes- I am single & looking. Any referrals are welcome! Haha. Clearly, I am not finding anyone on my own or through my personal circles.

It’s time to venture out and put this out into the world, onto social media where billions of us spend so much of our time.

My person has to be out there, right!? I mean, there are 8+ billion people on earth, he has to be somewhere!?!? 🤷🏽‍♀️

From My Heart To Yours,

Sara Jaswal😘

Someday…The Weight Of Waiting

The “Controversial” Grief No One Wants To Talk About.